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Silence is Golden

Posted by itiwtt on November 29, 2007

How hood is he?

Watching the new movie “This Christmas” was the thing to do over the Thanksgiving break.  Everybody I know either saw it or wanted to see it.  Why out of all places did me and Tyra pick The Parks Mall for our viewing pleasure?  Let’s just say you probably won’t be seeing me there anytime soon!

There comes a point in your life when you realize that you’re REALLY getting older.  For instance, when some teenager calls you ma’am, or you refer to anyone under 21 as “the kids”.  You find yourself wondering what respectable person wears those outfits, or you don’t know what the hell the new rap song is talking about or that it even has a routine to it.  This has become my reality.  I depend on my 9 year old nephew or my school teacher friends to teach me the latest in “what the kids are doing” so I can feel hip.  (I don’t even think the kids say hip anymore….).  We must have forgotten that it was Thanksgiving break AND the Parks Mall is a kids favorite hangout.  Now let me explain to you the numerous ways this one night reminded us that we were……………..mature.

#1- We were both sooo out of style.  It was freezing and rainy outside so I had on an Old Navy fleece with my fleece pants and matching fleece hat (comfort and warmth over style).  Tyra was a little more stylish with her kangol, scarf, simple top and leather jacket.  We found ourselves frowning at the multi-color, dollar sign emblazed, oversized hoodies for the guys and fur-trimmed hooded jackets, snowboots, and gold accents anywhere possible for the girls.  I actually felt the urge to say “pull up your pants!”.

#2 – As we’re walking thru the crowd of kids, Ty actually states that she feels like she should clutch her purse. This was actually a good idea considering she found out from one of her co-workers today that his wife got robbed at that mall!

#3 – There is a policeman IN the movie.  Not in the concessions area, but in the actual theatre.  You have to bypass the police to get a seat.  Don’t you hate when there are two seats in the middle of the row and people wait until you’ve climbed over 6 people just to tell you “these seats are saved”.  Jerks!

#4 – Before the previews begin, an usher gets on the microphone and gives us our “fair warning”.  He says that the theater practices the “SIG” policy (silence is golden) and that this is our fair warning and they will not hesitate to escort you out.  I have never in my life been given a disclaimer before a movie starts.  I’m insulted!  We begin to wonder if we made a mistake by going there.  Then the lights go out, the previews begin,  and Tyra gets hit by a flying M&M.  She then bothers the White lady next to her asking if she saw it too.

#5 – Regina King’s husband played by Laz Alonso comes on the screen all suited up looking suave and scrumptious.  Tyra and I both melt while giving him the “mmmm who is that!”- No confirmations from our fellow moviegoers.  Chris Brown’s little scrawny a$$ sits up on the bed with no shirt on – The crowd goes wild!!!!!

As we manuevered our way thru all the kids waiting on their Mamas and older brothers to come pick them up, I realized the kids acted better than I expected during the movie.  There was only one outburst of “shut yo MF’in a$$ up” and only one instance of a possible brawl.  I really enjoyed the movie, but I think I will be picking another location for my viewing pleasure next time. 

“The children ARE our future.  That’s why you must help save Lincoln Park.” – Lisa McDowell at the Miss Black Awareness Pageant

 ~MissTrina

 Trina,

Okay I must agree I am at a point in life to avoid crowds at all cost Especially KIDS. Now since you all live around hella black folks, I could see the clothes and over the top outfits. I really don’t have that problem. However the movie here was packed, that’s because everyone here wants to be in-tune with their blackness. Now I didn’t care for the movie that much, it was too much overtime in my opinion. But yea you two were the old broads in the theater, that should teach you a few lessons, to go to the white neighborhoods #1, and go to the matinee #2.

~Jaye

Miss Trina,

 Yes, we are getting old. We still look go though!!! I should’ve known we were in the wrong place at the wrong time when I was confused as to whether I should congratulate the young men on their fashion or avoid eye contact in case they were eyeing my purse. These kids are a damn mess! And if I see another young lady in some snow boots, I promise I’ll start carrying around a vile of chicken blood to splash it on snow boot fashion offenders. We live in freakin’ Texas!!! Snow, what is that? Boot, you mean like for the rodeo? Ok, so we’re really not that slow on fashion, but the movies is not the place for all that madness. Overall, I say BOO!!!!!

Oh yeah, and I’m still not sure what the hell happened with those M&M’s.

 ~ty

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Crank that WHAT???

Posted by itiwtt on November 27, 2007

souljaboy.jpg 

Im 2 clean off in this hoe
Watch me crank it
Watch me roll
Watch me crank that roosavelt
And super soak that Hoe

What in the hell have we succumb to listening to!                                     

After further review, I feel the need to get this off my chest.  The Soulja Boy has seeped it’s way into every aspect of my life.  After a couple of cocktails (never go a day without one) at the bowling alley, I noticed in the corner of my eye four little white girls were making up a dance routine. Just Picture!:) Before I know it The Souja Boy song comes on the radio. About four lanes away were these same little girls  yelling “you ready ….lets do it” as if it were a cheerleading competition.  So I watched the entire dance routine in disbelief. Lord what have we come to!  That was The Souja Boy routine siting #1.

Four days later I’m driving down the street on a Wednesday evening around 6ish and I stop at a red light.  Lo and behold, on the opposite side of the street three girls just jump out of their blue escort (does ford still make these?). I wondered why they were getting out of the car. I rolled down the window to hear you know what blasting from their little putt putt…The Souja Boy.  These little heifers did a quick rendition of the routine, including the “Superman that Hoe”,  and jumped back in the car.  That was The Souja Boy routine sighting #2.

Less than a week later after all this madness, we set sail for the beautiful Mexican Riviera.  The ship has several clubs on board with DJs from different countries.  One in particular from Trinidad had a huge fascination with the Hip Hop culture.  So every night, what did he play…………………………….. The Souja Boy. But wait! After putting the song into rotation he would come out his box to show everybody on the dance floor how to do the dance.   I should know the dance by now…YOU THINK!!!

~Jaye

Jaye,

I totally agree with your disdain for the whole Soulja Boy epidemic.  It was cute at first (over 6 months ago), but that quickly disappeared when the masses caught on.  I hate that EVERYONE is trying to do it.  If you’re over 40 there’s no need for you to do the soulja boy.  Just stick to the electric slide!  I will not be drawn into it’s ridiculousness and I vow that I will not be performing the dance from this point on.  It’s starting to seem like the latest form of Cooning.

~MissTrina

Jaye,

I’m with Bill on this one, Black people are out to destroy everything that is good and respected about the race. Soulja Boy (did I spell that stupid sh** correctly) is basically “cooning” at its best. Apparently that seems to be the intention of most black performers anyway. So, don’t try to blame it on little Soulja–blame it on the others who taught him how to perfect the art of cooning: Sammy Davis Jr, Bishop Don Juan, Cuba Gooding…just to name a few.

Happy Chrismakwanzaahanukkah,

tyra

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I Heart The Donald

Posted by itiwtt on October 20, 2007

We would like to present our first guest blogger.  She’s smart, savvy, straight to the point and one hell of a tootsie roller.  Making her first guest appearance on Trials and Tribulations of the Tenderoni…….Give it up for Dirty P’s (Plano) own, Tha Coff!!!!

 

My new favorite person….Donald Trump

 by Tha Coff

438772462_87c04672f0.jpg

I’m serious…I just saw him on Larry King and he is freakin’ hilarious.  He kept bringing up the fact that Rosie’s book is doing poorly.  Here are some other reasons why I am now a fan of Donald Trump:

1.  He has a new book called “Think Big and Kick Ass In Business and Life.”  So, I now have new goal…to kick ass in life.  I plan on going to get the book tomorrow.

2.  He said that you should make it a practice of holding grudges and seeking revenge because it is therapeutic.  He said it without smiling and told Larry King that he knows he is right…and King did not deny it.  Therefore, I am going to try it out. 

3.  He called Paul McCartney a schmuck for not getting a prenup because he was in love and ultimately let the non-famous person get the best of him in the end.  Then he said everyone should get a prenup unless they want to be poor– then there is no need for a prenup. 

4.  He expressed his support for Hillary and disdain for Bush, which surprises me because Bush has been good to the rich.

5.  He made fun of the fact that Angelina is a symbol of world peace and feminity a few years after she tongue-kissed her brother and wore a vile of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck after banging him on the way to the awards show.  He did not mention that she also was a lesbo and a homewrecker.

6.  He said that Mark Cuban is “a not attractive man,” that “lives in one of my buildings,” and is a much better dancer than a tv persona.

7.  His hair is a mess, it looks like a squirrel tail is on his head…but he doesn’t care and I think that is awesome. 

8.  He says that President Bush is the worst president in history.  I could’t agree more.  He makes me embarrassed to be a Texan.

9.  His feud with Rosie O’donnell–there is nothing better.  Rosie disgusts me (more than Tyra Banks but less than Ann Coulter and Bill O’Reilly), and I am glad The Donald called her on her shit.  Fact is, she talks crap about people all the time and can’t take it when someone gives it to her.  I think the funniest thing he says about her is that she showed up to his wedding uninvited and ate all the cake.  Here are some of my favorite Donald vs. Rosie quotes:

Rosie’s a loser. A real loser. I look forward to taking lots of money from my nice fat little Rosie”

 “If you looked like Rosie you’d be critical of beauty pageants, believe me. Rosie is a very unattractive woman, both inside and out. And as hard as it is to believe, inside is probably uglier than outside, and that’s really saying something.”

“Rosie has been a loser for a long period of time and I like to bring it up.”

“We’re all a little chubby but Rosie’s just worst than most of us.”

“I’ll probably sue Rosie because it would be fun.  I would like to take some money from her fat ass pockets.”

“Rosie is a degenerate.”

Donald truly has a new fan.  I put him up there with some of my other faves:  Will Ferrell, Hill and Bill, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and the creators of Southpark.

~Tha Coff

Tha Coff,

I am so glad that someone else hearts The Donald as much as I do. He’s an a$$hole and doesn’t make any apologies for it! This was a perfect guest editorial on Trials and Tribulations of the Tenderoni.  Some of my personal favorites from The Donald regarding Rosie:

  • “This woman is totally out of control. I’m worth billions of dollars, and I have to listen to this fat slob?”
  • “Rosie O’Donnell is disgusting, both inside and out. You take a look at her, she’s a slob. She talks like a truck driver.”
  • “She better be careful or I’ll send one of my friends over to pick up her girlfriend. Why would she stay with Rosie, if she had another choice?”
  • “If you look as ugly as she looks…I give her credit for succeeding moderately.”

And my newest favorite regarding Britney Spears being on Celebrity Apprentice:

“We’re negotiating with Britney right now. Can you imagine her doing it? We’re not sure what will happen. She’s a f**king mess. And that little reality show she had did nothing. But she likes the idea of being on television and I think she’d be great.”

~MissTrina

Tha Coff, I appreciate the fact that you have acquired such a liking for Mr. Trump’s disdain for Rosie. Rosie is fat, and has always been fat. It’s the truth! Donald’s only saying what we’ve all been wanting to say. For years I’ve wondered how Rosie’s marketing team has been so successful at pitching a fat, gay, unattractive woman who’s comedy is merely on a mediocre scale. Keep up the good work Donald.

~Ty

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We Not Trying to be Messy, but I’m Just Saying…….

Posted by itiwtt on October 10, 2007

SAY WHAT???

Hey fans,

This new segment has been spawned from current events and various topics that continue to both disturb and titillate our minds. Enjoy! 

How ‘Bout Them Boys – GO COWBOYS 5-0

Shaq’s wife ain’t no fool, she should have taken more

Britney, Britney, Oh Britney.  You’ve hit rock bottom when K-Fed gets custody of a pet rock, let alone your kids.

Al Sharpton is not my leader. Please, if I ever happen to get raped by a bunch of skinheads, don’t call Al Sharpton. One phone call to my daddy and my cousins from Waco, Texas will be good enough.

We get it, you’re fat , but that doesn’t give you an excuse to wear cotton outfits to work.

Cut your grass. Just because you live in the hood and there’s a crackhouse on the corner doesn’t mean you can’t have nice landscaping.

Speaking of living in the hood, kids shouldn’t have to go to another side of town just to get the “good candy”. Turn on your porch light and buy some tasty candies this Halloween, cheap bastards.  

MTV’s new show Room 401 has figured out that scaring the hell out of Black people makes for good TV

The premiere of I Love NY 2 had hunks, punks, and even a stump (Midget Mac).

The new waitress at the local Italian place had a stain on her shirt today.  If you work at an Italian restaurant, try to keep your boobs out of the spaghetti.

Pamela Anderson has married Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, and now Paris Hilton sex tape co-star Rick Soloman.  She is by far my favorite whore!

If your children are unattractive, please stop making people say that they are by saying “He cute ain’t he?” NO!!!

I love you, but Kimora please go away for a little while.

White people keep making fancy outfits for Seyjal (my dog). THANKS!

Oh and uh…for the record ITT TECH, DEVRY, and any other technical institutes DO NOT and I mean DO NOT count as a college or university. I don’t care what your mama said

Posted in Is It Just Me, Or?, Reality TV, Uncategorized, Weekend Wrap-Up | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Enough With the Text Messages!

Posted by itiwtt on September 25, 2007

DIE, TEXT! DIE!

I have been thoroughly pissed all week because my cell phone bill for the past 4-5 months has been out of control.  I can’t help but think of all the useful things I could have done with that money……supplement my savings account, pay a little extra on my credit cards, buy a comforter set for the guest bedroom, put a down payment on my Lexus.  How am I supposed to advise anybody on their finances and retirement (my actual job) and I can’t even keep my damn cell phone bill under control??  I haven’t complained about it in the past because I figured it was mainly my fault.  So this month I began monitoring my phone usage which has resulted in a lot of mean replies via text.  I can control how much I talk on the phone and how many texts I send out, but it pisses me off that I get charged every time you send me a text!  Incoming texts should be free!   Some people are just inconsiderate with their texting rituals.  This mess got on my nerves when I did have unlimited texts.  Therefore, I am going to summarize for you my rules of texting (Everyone may not have these rules, but I do, so if you text ME listen up!)

  • Everybody does not have UNLIMITED text messages like you do.  Some people just don’t see the sense in paying an extra $20 a month just so that they can receive your quirky forwards and “heys” via text.  And quit bragging about your plan because I’m not changing to your carrier “you need to get Cingular, it’s only $10”  Ask the recipients preference before you just decide for them.
  • Stop with the forwards!  Use discretion and only send to friends YOU KNOW will get a kick out of it or may need an inspirational word.  Only 2 out of 7 actually make me chuckle.  And most of the time they come when I’m waiting on a valid reply from someone.  Get all excited running to the phone just to see that God has something special for me if I send this to 10 ppl.
  • If you can’t summarize all of your thoughts and questions into a MAX of 3 texchanges you need to just call.  Especially if it’s the weekend, hell it’s FREE FOR ALL!  Texchange–  A sent message and the reply.  I don’t have the patience to send you my life story text style.  Remember everybody doesn’t have a Blackberry with a schnazzy keyboard so some of us have to press the keys and 3-666 (do)  444-8 (it)  manually!
  • Stop texting me OK, or worse “K”.  You just wasted a whole text message with one stinkin’ a$$ letter!  I will tell you if I need a read-receipt.
  • Remember who you are texting and what the conversation is about.  Nothing worse than somebody sending you a “yes” message and you didn’t even ask them anything.  Then you spend 3 more messages trying to figure what the hell they are talking about just to find out that they don’t know either! (you know who you are!)
  • How in the hell did I get on your party distribution list???  If anybody knows who dlashae@e.tmsg2.com  please let me know so that I can stab them.  I’m not going to Maxwell’s so stop telling about it!  These always happen to come on a night when I’m sitting alone and wishful thinking hopes that “I’ma buy you a drank” (my current text ring) is a date proposal.  No luck, just dlashae.

What have I been doing about these nuisances?  Sending the cussing texts that I referred to earlier.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m by no means against texting.  I approve of texting  in inappropriate talking places (work, club, happy hour, church), mass text message reminders for stuff, and I don’t mind texting that special someone who will answer a text 5x faster than a phone call.  So don’t oust me from your text friends but don’t be the next recipient of the cussing text!

“I ain’t never heard of no woman, giving no man no loving, just cuz his hair look goowd!” – Clarence

P.S.(Last night after I wrote this blog I received 3 text messages between the hours of 3am – 6am (weeknight) from random people………including Jaye……and she didn’t receive the cussing text, but she was lucky enough to get the Happy Birthday, are you out of your GD mind texting me at 3am phone call!)

~MissTrina

Miss Trina,

I hope you don’t go Naomi on us and do a phone-smack upside somebody’s head. I’d hate for the reason why we can’t go out on Friday night to be because you got community service on Saturday morning for the next 6 weeks. However, I feel your sentiments exactly. Nothing puts me in PMS mode more than lengthy and continuous text messages. Text me once–cool. Text me twice–only if you’re responding. Text me thrice–annoying. Why don’t you just call me?!?!?!? This type of behavior will place you on my list of annoying people who don’t have jack to do all day but text. And fellas, a word of advice–the ladies don’t like to hold conversations via text. A few sweet messages throughout the day are fine, otherwise keep it short. 

 ~Ty

Jaye is not available because today is her BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! Happy Birthday, Jaye!!!!!!!!!!

Photo courtesy of http://www.lawyersandsettlements.com

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Is That All You Got?

Posted by itiwtt on September 25, 2007

                                           Nice Package 

Where are all the hot, sexy service men that we see on TV? You know, the construction guys wearing the cut-off t-shirts with their muscles bulging out. Or the delivery man who knows how to wear the hell out of those shorts. Where are they and why don’t they come to my job? Here’s the run-down of daily eye candy, or shall I say lack of, that I get every day:

  • UPS Man~ Morning shift: Chunky, black man who’s always on the phone with his wife/baby momma/girlfriend. Not too bad looking, but once again chunky and baby momma. Afternoon shift: Short, Mexican man who always asks if I’m ready for the weekend. That’s not a problem on Thursday or Friday, but why would you ask somebody that on Tuesday. I’m thinking, “Damn, do you hate your job that much? The weekend was just two days ago!”  Eye candy status: 0 (for both)
  • FedEx Man~ Cool, white man who always runs in sweating (even when it’s cold) The sooner he finishes his route, the sooner he can go back home. Good for conversation, but not so much for my mid-day fantasies.   Eye-candy status: 3
  • DHL Man~Nice-looking, black man but all his looks go down the drain once he starts talking. First day on the job I spoke with him and thought I had gone back in time. Apparently the guy moved from the depths of Mississippi to Texas for a better opportunity. He’s never been on a plane, and he’s never really been anywhere outside of Mississippi. I’m thinking this guy is a victim of the infamous group of southern blacks that are supposedly still trapped in slavery. I mean, he’s tall, strong, not well traveled, and the best job he could find was lifting boxes. What do you think?                Eye-candy status: 8 with a 5 point deduction, therefore we have, 3
  • Local Courier~I’m not sure why I even included him. This guy is short, old, and looks like he could easily be cast as Hobbit #3 for the next version of Lord of the Rings.    Eye-candy status: -2

This is what I have to look at all day. How is this mess supposed to help me?

~Ty

“Amen! Yes, sir! Can I get an ‘Amen’? Ha! Ha! I don’t know you what you come to do, but I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I come to praise his name! Lord, Lord!” ~ Reverend Brown 

Ty,

What the hell are you talking about ?

Jaye~

Ty,

I appreciate the fact that you have taken the time to rate your local delivery men.  Seems like all of our delivery men are fat and ashy.  I hate all uniforms that consist of shorts (UPS, Mailman, Police, etc) none of them are flattering.  They probably get excited when it gets hot, kind of like Jeans Day on Friday for corporate America.  “Man it’s almost June, I get to wear my shorts!”

~MissTrina

Photos courtesy of http://www.onestopcool.com

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How much you say?

Posted by itiwtt on August 31, 2007

Pleasantly Plump www.sallypugh.org


So as I look at bodies on a daily basis, I can’t help but wonder how much people weigh. Chunks don’t surprise me when they come in needing help with weight loss. All of my clients in the last 6 months have been under a size eight. Where are the chunks, they have money too, RIGHT?

Two weeks ago I get a call on my business line from a new potential client. We went through all the proper trainer/client questions, except for weight. I never ask that question…most people just tell me. So we have our first one-on-one this morning at a local coffee shop. She walked in and introduced herself. Here’s the picture: 6’2 white female, blonde hair, brown eyes, no children, and of course driving a little bitty ass 325 BMW. So we sat down and started our evalution process. Yada, yada, yada and then the question came, “So how much would like to lose?” She replies, “150lbs.” My mouth dropped, and my eyes rolled in the back of my head. I’m thinking, “Damn! How much you weigh?” So I asked her the question directly, “So…how much do you weigh now?” She replied, “402.” I responed by saying so unprofessionally, “How much you say?”

I have taken her on as a client. Oh by the way, did I mention that she is the president of a bank? So she got change. But what happened? Why? When did it get out of control? More than 60% of my clients are fairly in shape, but why don’t the chunks workout or get a trainer? They got money too! 

“That is beautiful! What is that, velvet?” ~ Saul

 ~Jaye

Jaye,

It’s great to hear that your client is large and in charge; however, I think you should give the overweight lovers a break for a while. Stop giving them such a hard time. Last week you were griping about them at the donut shop, now this week you’re kickin’ with them at the coffee shop. Give it a rest! Next week, it needs to be all about the love.  As a counterpart to Midget Appreciation Day, I say we initiate Pleasantly Plump Tuesday. We’ll all probably come back from the 3-day weekend a few pounds heavier, so I’m pretty sure a few words of encouragement won’t hurt.

~Ty

Jaye,

I feel like the chunky ones need your services way more than those skinny b@#$% you’ve been training anyway.  I mean what do they need a trainer for??  To get that little pudge in between their toes or let me guess…..trying to get a J-Lo booty!!  Your work should be more meaningful.  What’s more meaningful than helping the large and in charge bust a gut (literally).

~MissTrina

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Hot, Young Tenders

Posted by itiwtt on August 21, 2007

MISS TRINA

We have been friends for over 10 years and have found our way back to each other. Each one of us thinks we know everything! I hope you enjoy a sneak peek into our candid convos. I think this blog will be the best thing since chewing gum…but that’s just me.

TY

This blog was created to allow my 2 best friends and I to express our feelings toward various frivolous topics. Truly I can’t stand either of them, but our friendship works well together.  Love ya, guys!

JAYE

Without my friends, I am crazy—no questions asked. When it comes down to it, I’m the demon seed of the group, but I am learning to change my wicked ways. Namaste

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