Trials and Tribulations of the Tenderoni Weblog

“Oh, I thought it was the trash!”

Silence is Golden

Posted by itiwtt on November 29, 2007

How hood is he?

Watching the new movie “This Christmas” was the thing to do over the Thanksgiving break.  Everybody I know either saw it or wanted to see it.  Why out of all places did me and Tyra pick The Parks Mall for our viewing pleasure?  Let’s just say you probably won’t be seeing me there anytime soon!

There comes a point in your life when you realize that you’re REALLY getting older.  For instance, when some teenager calls you ma’am, or you refer to anyone under 21 as “the kids”.  You find yourself wondering what respectable person wears those outfits, or you don’t know what the hell the new rap song is talking about or that it even has a routine to it.  This has become my reality.  I depend on my 9 year old nephew or my school teacher friends to teach me the latest in “what the kids are doing” so I can feel hip.  (I don’t even think the kids say hip anymore….).  We must have forgotten that it was Thanksgiving break AND the Parks Mall is a kids favorite hangout.  Now let me explain to you the numerous ways this one night reminded us that we were……………..mature.

#1- We were both sooo out of style.  It was freezing and rainy outside so I had on an Old Navy fleece with my fleece pants and matching fleece hat (comfort and warmth over style).  Tyra was a little more stylish with her kangol, scarf, simple top and leather jacket.  We found ourselves frowning at the multi-color, dollar sign emblazed, oversized hoodies for the guys and fur-trimmed hooded jackets, snowboots, and gold accents anywhere possible for the girls.  I actually felt the urge to say “pull up your pants!”.

#2 – As we’re walking thru the crowd of kids, Ty actually states that she feels like she should clutch her purse. This was actually a good idea considering she found out from one of her co-workers today that his wife got robbed at that mall!

#3 – There is a policeman IN the movie.  Not in the concessions area, but in the actual theatre.  You have to bypass the police to get a seat.  Don’t you hate when there are two seats in the middle of the row and people wait until you’ve climbed over 6 people just to tell you “these seats are saved”.  Jerks!

#4 – Before the previews begin, an usher gets on the microphone and gives us our “fair warning”.  He says that the theater practices the “SIG” policy (silence is golden) and that this is our fair warning and they will not hesitate to escort you out.  I have never in my life been given a disclaimer before a movie starts.  I’m insulted!  We begin to wonder if we made a mistake by going there.  Then the lights go out, the previews begin,  and Tyra gets hit by a flying M&M.  She then bothers the White lady next to her asking if she saw it too.

#5 – Regina King’s husband played by Laz Alonso comes on the screen all suited up looking suave and scrumptious.  Tyra and I both melt while giving him the “mmmm who is that!”- No confirmations from our fellow moviegoers.  Chris Brown’s little scrawny a$$ sits up on the bed with no shirt on – The crowd goes wild!!!!!

As we manuevered our way thru all the kids waiting on their Mamas and older brothers to come pick them up, I realized the kids acted better than I expected during the movie.  There was only one outburst of “shut yo MF’in a$$ up” and only one instance of a possible brawl.  I really enjoyed the movie, but I think I will be picking another location for my viewing pleasure next time. 

“The children ARE our future.  That’s why you must help save Lincoln Park.” – Lisa McDowell at the Miss Black Awareness Pageant

 ~MissTrina

 Trina,

Okay I must agree I am at a point in life to avoid crowds at all cost Especially KIDS. Now since you all live around hella black folks, I could see the clothes and over the top outfits. I really don’t have that problem. However the movie here was packed, that’s because everyone here wants to be in-tune with their blackness. Now I didn’t care for the movie that much, it was too much overtime in my opinion. But yea you two were the old broads in the theater, that should teach you a few lessons, to go to the white neighborhoods #1, and go to the matinee #2.

~Jaye

Miss Trina,

 Yes, we are getting old. We still look go though!!! I should’ve known we were in the wrong place at the wrong time when I was confused as to whether I should congratulate the young men on their fashion or avoid eye contact in case they were eyeing my purse. These kids are a damn mess! And if I see another young lady in some snow boots, I promise I’ll start carrying around a vile of chicken blood to splash it on snow boot fashion offenders. We live in freakin’ Texas!!! Snow, what is that? Boot, you mean like for the rodeo? Ok, so we’re really not that slow on fashion, but the movies is not the place for all that madness. Overall, I say BOO!!!!!

Oh yeah, and I’m still not sure what the hell happened with those M&M’s.

 ~ty

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Crank that WHAT???

Posted by itiwtt on November 27, 2007

souljaboy.jpg 

Im 2 clean off in this hoe
Watch me crank it
Watch me roll
Watch me crank that roosavelt
And super soak that Hoe

What in the hell have we succumb to listening to!                                     

After further review, I feel the need to get this off my chest.  The Soulja Boy has seeped it’s way into every aspect of my life.  After a couple of cocktails (never go a day without one) at the bowling alley, I noticed in the corner of my eye four little white girls were making up a dance routine. Just Picture!:) Before I know it The Souja Boy song comes on the radio. About four lanes away were these same little girls  yelling “you ready ….lets do it” as if it were a cheerleading competition.  So I watched the entire dance routine in disbelief. Lord what have we come to!  That was The Souja Boy routine siting #1.

Four days later I’m driving down the street on a Wednesday evening around 6ish and I stop at a red light.  Lo and behold, on the opposite side of the street three girls just jump out of their blue escort (does ford still make these?). I wondered why they were getting out of the car. I rolled down the window to hear you know what blasting from their little putt putt…The Souja Boy.  These little heifers did a quick rendition of the routine, including the “Superman that Hoe”,  and jumped back in the car.  That was The Souja Boy routine sighting #2.

Less than a week later after all this madness, we set sail for the beautiful Mexican Riviera.  The ship has several clubs on board with DJs from different countries.  One in particular from Trinidad had a huge fascination with the Hip Hop culture.  So every night, what did he play…………………………….. The Souja Boy. But wait! After putting the song into rotation he would come out his box to show everybody on the dance floor how to do the dance.   I should know the dance by now…YOU THINK!!!

~Jaye

Jaye,

I totally agree with your disdain for the whole Soulja Boy epidemic.  It was cute at first (over 6 months ago), but that quickly disappeared when the masses caught on.  I hate that EVERYONE is trying to do it.  If you’re over 40 there’s no need for you to do the soulja boy.  Just stick to the electric slide!  I will not be drawn into it’s ridiculousness and I vow that I will not be performing the dance from this point on.  It’s starting to seem like the latest form of Cooning.

~MissTrina

Jaye,

I’m with Bill on this one, Black people are out to destroy everything that is good and respected about the race. Soulja Boy (did I spell that stupid sh** correctly) is basically “cooning” at its best. Apparently that seems to be the intention of most black performers anyway. So, don’t try to blame it on little Soulja–blame it on the others who taught him how to perfect the art of cooning: Sammy Davis Jr, Bishop Don Juan, Cuba Gooding…just to name a few.

Happy Chrismakwanzaahanukkah,

tyra

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I Heart The Donald

Posted by itiwtt on October 20, 2007

We would like to present our first guest blogger.  She’s smart, savvy, straight to the point and one hell of a tootsie roller.  Making her first guest appearance on Trials and Tribulations of the Tenderoni…….Give it up for Dirty P’s (Plano) own, Tha Coff!!!!

 

My new favorite person….Donald Trump

 by Tha Coff

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I’m serious…I just saw him on Larry King and he is freakin’ hilarious.  He kept bringing up the fact that Rosie’s book is doing poorly.  Here are some other reasons why I am now a fan of Donald Trump:

1.  He has a new book called “Think Big and Kick Ass In Business and Life.”  So, I now have new goal…to kick ass in life.  I plan on going to get the book tomorrow.

2.  He said that you should make it a practice of holding grudges and seeking revenge because it is therapeutic.  He said it without smiling and told Larry King that he knows he is right…and King did not deny it.  Therefore, I am going to try it out. 

3.  He called Paul McCartney a schmuck for not getting a prenup because he was in love and ultimately let the non-famous person get the best of him in the end.  Then he said everyone should get a prenup unless they want to be poor– then there is no need for a prenup. 

4.  He expressed his support for Hillary and disdain for Bush, which surprises me because Bush has been good to the rich.

5.  He made fun of the fact that Angelina is a symbol of world peace and feminity a few years after she tongue-kissed her brother and wore a vile of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck after banging him on the way to the awards show.  He did not mention that she also was a lesbo and a homewrecker.

6.  He said that Mark Cuban is “a not attractive man,” that “lives in one of my buildings,” and is a much better dancer than a tv persona.

7.  His hair is a mess, it looks like a squirrel tail is on his head…but he doesn’t care and I think that is awesome. 

8.  He says that President Bush is the worst president in history.  I could’t agree more.  He makes me embarrassed to be a Texan.

9.  His feud with Rosie O’donnell–there is nothing better.  Rosie disgusts me (more than Tyra Banks but less than Ann Coulter and Bill O’Reilly), and I am glad The Donald called her on her shit.  Fact is, she talks crap about people all the time and can’t take it when someone gives it to her.  I think the funniest thing he says about her is that she showed up to his wedding uninvited and ate all the cake.  Here are some of my favorite Donald vs. Rosie quotes:

Rosie’s a loser. A real loser. I look forward to taking lots of money from my nice fat little Rosie”

 “If you looked like Rosie you’d be critical of beauty pageants, believe me. Rosie is a very unattractive woman, both inside and out. And as hard as it is to believe, inside is probably uglier than outside, and that’s really saying something.”

“Rosie has been a loser for a long period of time and I like to bring it up.”

“We’re all a little chubby but Rosie’s just worst than most of us.”

“I’ll probably sue Rosie because it would be fun.  I would like to take some money from her fat ass pockets.”

“Rosie is a degenerate.”

Donald truly has a new fan.  I put him up there with some of my other faves:  Will Ferrell, Hill and Bill, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and the creators of Southpark.

~Tha Coff

Tha Coff,

I am so glad that someone else hearts The Donald as much as I do. He’s an a$$hole and doesn’t make any apologies for it! This was a perfect guest editorial on Trials and Tribulations of the Tenderoni.  Some of my personal favorites from The Donald regarding Rosie:

  • “This woman is totally out of control. I’m worth billions of dollars, and I have to listen to this fat slob?”
  • “Rosie O’Donnell is disgusting, both inside and out. You take a look at her, she’s a slob. She talks like a truck driver.”
  • “She better be careful or I’ll send one of my friends over to pick up her girlfriend. Why would she stay with Rosie, if she had another choice?”
  • “If you look as ugly as she looks…I give her credit for succeeding moderately.”

And my newest favorite regarding Britney Spears being on Celebrity Apprentice:

“We’re negotiating with Britney right now. Can you imagine her doing it? We’re not sure what will happen. She’s a f**king mess. And that little reality show she had did nothing. But she likes the idea of being on television and I think she’d be great.”

~MissTrina

Tha Coff, I appreciate the fact that you have acquired such a liking for Mr. Trump’s disdain for Rosie. Rosie is fat, and has always been fat. It’s the truth! Donald’s only saying what we’ve all been wanting to say. For years I’ve wondered how Rosie’s marketing team has been so successful at pitching a fat, gay, unattractive woman who’s comedy is merely on a mediocre scale. Keep up the good work Donald.

~Ty

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We Not Trying to be Messy, but I’m Just Saying…….

Posted by itiwtt on October 10, 2007

SAY WHAT???

Hey fans,

This new segment has been spawned from current events and various topics that continue to both disturb and titillate our minds. Enjoy! 

How ‘Bout Them Boys – GO COWBOYS 5-0

Shaq’s wife ain’t no fool, she should have taken more

Britney, Britney, Oh Britney.  You’ve hit rock bottom when K-Fed gets custody of a pet rock, let alone your kids.

Al Sharpton is not my leader. Please, if I ever happen to get raped by a bunch of skinheads, don’t call Al Sharpton. One phone call to my daddy and my cousins from Waco, Texas will be good enough.

We get it, you’re fat , but that doesn’t give you an excuse to wear cotton outfits to work.

Cut your grass. Just because you live in the hood and there’s a crackhouse on the corner doesn’t mean you can’t have nice landscaping.

Speaking of living in the hood, kids shouldn’t have to go to another side of town just to get the “good candy”. Turn on your porch light and buy some tasty candies this Halloween, cheap bastards.  

MTV’s new show Room 401 has figured out that scaring the hell out of Black people makes for good TV

The premiere of I Love NY 2 had hunks, punks, and even a stump (Midget Mac).

The new waitress at the local Italian place had a stain on her shirt today.  If you work at an Italian restaurant, try to keep your boobs out of the spaghetti.

Pamela Anderson has married Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, and now Paris Hilton sex tape co-star Rick Soloman.  She is by far my favorite whore!

If your children are unattractive, please stop making people say that they are by saying “He cute ain’t he?” NO!!!

I love you, but Kimora please go away for a little while.

White people keep making fancy outfits for Seyjal (my dog). THANKS!

Oh and uh…for the record ITT TECH, DEVRY, and any other technical institutes DO NOT and I mean DO NOT count as a college or university. I don’t care what your mama said

Posted in Is It Just Me, Or?, Reality TV, Uncategorized, Weekend Wrap-Up | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Ponytails are for Little Girls

Posted by itiwtt on October 3, 2007

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As I’m driving home yesterday, I see a man clearly near 50 going into Captain D’s with two ponytails in his head–a part down the middle with a plait on each side. My first thought is maybe he just got out of jail. Then the questions start flowing. Who is his family, and why are they letting him walk around like that?? Did he part it himself? How many men know how to put up their own ponytails?  Women have got to stop being their accomplices.  If you are a male over the age of 2, it is unacceptable for you to be walking around with pigtails!  I love Snoop, but he is wrong for the ponytails too!  I would die if I called somebody asking what you doing and the response is, “Plaiting Jimmy’s hair.”  I mean what’s the hierarchy? Whose hair gets done first? Does Little Bebe have to wait until mama gets done with daddy’s hair before she can get her hair done? Hmmmmm

We have all seen these violators.  A few weeks ago I saw a guy I grew up with wearing a plethora of ponytails all over his head, and he was balding in the front.  The top of his hair was STRETCHED into 2 ponytails and there were about 8 around the sides and back. STOP THE MADNESS! If balding is not a sign that you need to let it go, then I don’t know what to tell you. Now if you just happen to have that luxurious, silky, wavy #5 and have been known to make all the females jealous because you have “Indian in your family,” then one ponytail positioned at the nape of the neck is semi-acceptable. The one pony is also acceptable if you are a stripper, auto mechanic,  ballet dancer, delivery man, hair stylist, or singer/rapper.  If I’m lying, I’m flying. And as you can see I’m still on the ground (you can’t really see me, but just picture me well grounded on the beach with a margarita in one hand and Keston Karter on my arm hehehe).

“Boy, that ain’t nothing but a Ultra Perm” – Clarence the barber

~MissTrina

Miss Trina, 

EEEWWWW!!! This is one those things I’d rather not talk about. But I have to say, I don’t believe that pony tails are acceptable. However, in certain instances Mexicans, Native Americans and Islanders are the ones who fall under the catergory: luxurious, silky, wavy #5.  Now multiple PONY TAILS are for young girls under the age of 13. In no case should there be a grown-ass man with pony tails–PERIOD. Who said that was cute?  Every male species should have a nice fade, but there are exceptions to every rule. Are we to assume that these fellas don’t have real jobs? Is this just acceptable in the ghetto? I have to blame this morally wrong doing on the women in their life. And baby his hair probably looks better than yours.

~Jaye

Miss Trina,

I agree with you on this one. I used to have a co-worker with a ponytail, and whenever we would make reference to him it would sound something like this, “You know Mike, the guy in marketing with the ponytail.” So men with ponytails are therefore confined to being the-guy-with-the-ponytail. Any and every detail or description about them must contain reference to the ponytail. Then, when guys finally get some sense and cut off the pony, people make such a big deal about. They wanna know why they cut it, how long they had it, was it even their real hair, was it permed. LOL! Even worse, he’ll never be released from the ponytail stigma–“Remember when Mike had that ponytail?” See what I mean. So having a ponytail is kinda like a person who used to be fat. They might look good now, but people always remember in the backs of their minds how fat that person used to be. Hateful, but true. Shame on y’all.

~Ty

Posted in Is It Just Me, Or? | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

I Love Me Some…

Posted by itiwtt on September 28, 2007

You may know him for his flowing locks, his spandex outfits, his irreputable high energy and dancing while playing his bass guitar. You may have even imitated him a time or two, or you may just know him as the guitar player on the side of the stage for legendary group Earth, Wind & Fire.  Intelligent, articulate, charismatic, and outrageously stylish with a flair for the extraordinary is why I Love Me Some…

Verdine White, aka the bassist for Earth, Wind, & Fire

Verdine White Fringe

The next time you’re in a group setting watching an Earth, Wind & Fire performance or just one of those old school CD commercials with the throwback videos, you will be the Verdine expert.  You will be the envy of all of your friends, and they will be impressed that you even know his name–and Verdine is an excellent name. 

  • Born and raised in Chicago, Verdine’s father (Dr. Verdine Sr.) wanted him to follow in his footsteps and enter the field of medicine.
  • He started his formal training in his preteens studying the upright bass.  He says, “The instrument was standing alone in the corner of the orchestra class…tall, mysterious and majestic, so different from all the others, it called me and the love affair began.”
  • White was classically trained by Radi Velah with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra for several years and studied bass guitar with the late Louis Satterfield (trombonist of the former Phoenix).
  • Younger brother of EWF founder Maurice White
  • In the 1970s, he was levitated in a horizontal position as part of the elaborate stage performances.
  • On stage, Verdine’s constant motion, enthusiasm and energy (to the point of disbelief) have deemed him the “ultimate fire” of the band.  His musicianship keeps the elements in perfect alignment.
  • Graced the covers of Monitor and Bass Player Magazines
  • Married for over 25 years, one son
  • Hobbies include fashion, reading, hiking and sharing long walks with his wife and the family dogs.
  • Can rattle off the name of every Earth Wind & Fire song, the year it came out and even how it charted in a matter of seconds
  • Plucks with his index and middle fingers alternating, digging in with a heavy touch. He also uses a lot of index pops, or hard plucks, but he rarely uses any thumb slaps.
  • First commandment: Hold the groove; you have to hold it down
  • The dancing comes from studying with the legendary African-American choreographer George Faison

 Quotes from adoring fans:

“Maann, if i came back as his hair I wouldn’t even be mad.  He keeps it tight and right, despite…his forehead getting in the way” – Tam 

“The first person I could not avoid from the beginning to the end of the DVD was Verdine White. I stared at disbelief at this absolutely crazed dancer and bass guitarist. His attitude from the get-go was ‘We are the Greatest, You are the Greatest, let’s Dance Together and be the Greatest Together!’ He hypnotized me. ” – customer review of EWF Live in Chicago DVD on Amazon.com 

“I only wish that one day my husband would be able to run his fingers through soft, luscious and beautiful hair, such as the mane of Verdine White. Also, please notice that Verdine and Tyra Banks have the same forehead.”     -Aenequa Kian

We present to thee, Verdine White. Enjoy!

Verdine White

Verdine White showing the fans how to “hold the groove.”Verdine, his lovely wife and dogs

Verdine before the illustrious perm/press.

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Enough With the Text Messages!

Posted by itiwtt on September 25, 2007

DIE, TEXT! DIE!

I have been thoroughly pissed all week because my cell phone bill for the past 4-5 months has been out of control.  I can’t help but think of all the useful things I could have done with that money……supplement my savings account, pay a little extra on my credit cards, buy a comforter set for the guest bedroom, put a down payment on my Lexus.  How am I supposed to advise anybody on their finances and retirement (my actual job) and I can’t even keep my damn cell phone bill under control??  I haven’t complained about it in the past because I figured it was mainly my fault.  So this month I began monitoring my phone usage which has resulted in a lot of mean replies via text.  I can control how much I talk on the phone and how many texts I send out, but it pisses me off that I get charged every time you send me a text!  Incoming texts should be free!   Some people are just inconsiderate with their texting rituals.  This mess got on my nerves when I did have unlimited texts.  Therefore, I am going to summarize for you my rules of texting (Everyone may not have these rules, but I do, so if you text ME listen up!)

  • Everybody does not have UNLIMITED text messages like you do.  Some people just don’t see the sense in paying an extra $20 a month just so that they can receive your quirky forwards and “heys” via text.  And quit bragging about your plan because I’m not changing to your carrier “you need to get Cingular, it’s only $10”  Ask the recipients preference before you just decide for them.
  • Stop with the forwards!  Use discretion and only send to friends YOU KNOW will get a kick out of it or may need an inspirational word.  Only 2 out of 7 actually make me chuckle.  And most of the time they come when I’m waiting on a valid reply from someone.  Get all excited running to the phone just to see that God has something special for me if I send this to 10 ppl.
  • If you can’t summarize all of your thoughts and questions into a MAX of 3 texchanges you need to just call.  Especially if it’s the weekend, hell it’s FREE FOR ALL!  Texchange–  A sent message and the reply.  I don’t have the patience to send you my life story text style.  Remember everybody doesn’t have a Blackberry with a schnazzy keyboard so some of us have to press the keys and 3-666 (do)  444-8 (it)  manually!
  • Stop texting me OK, or worse “K”.  You just wasted a whole text message with one stinkin’ a$$ letter!  I will tell you if I need a read-receipt.
  • Remember who you are texting and what the conversation is about.  Nothing worse than somebody sending you a “yes” message and you didn’t even ask them anything.  Then you spend 3 more messages trying to figure what the hell they are talking about just to find out that they don’t know either! (you know who you are!)
  • How in the hell did I get on your party distribution list???  If anybody knows who dlashae@e.tmsg2.com  please let me know so that I can stab them.  I’m not going to Maxwell’s so stop telling about it!  These always happen to come on a night when I’m sitting alone and wishful thinking hopes that “I’ma buy you a drank” (my current text ring) is a date proposal.  No luck, just dlashae.

What have I been doing about these nuisances?  Sending the cussing texts that I referred to earlier.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m by no means against texting.  I approve of texting  in inappropriate talking places (work, club, happy hour, church), mass text message reminders for stuff, and I don’t mind texting that special someone who will answer a text 5x faster than a phone call.  So don’t oust me from your text friends but don’t be the next recipient of the cussing text!

“I ain’t never heard of no woman, giving no man no loving, just cuz his hair look goowd!” – Clarence

P.S.(Last night after I wrote this blog I received 3 text messages between the hours of 3am – 6am (weeknight) from random people………including Jaye……and she didn’t receive the cussing text, but she was lucky enough to get the Happy Birthday, are you out of your GD mind texting me at 3am phone call!)

~MissTrina

Miss Trina,

I hope you don’t go Naomi on us and do a phone-smack upside somebody’s head. I’d hate for the reason why we can’t go out on Friday night to be because you got community service on Saturday morning for the next 6 weeks. However, I feel your sentiments exactly. Nothing puts me in PMS mode more than lengthy and continuous text messages. Text me once–cool. Text me twice–only if you’re responding. Text me thrice–annoying. Why don’t you just call me?!?!?!? This type of behavior will place you on my list of annoying people who don’t have jack to do all day but text. And fellas, a word of advice–the ladies don’t like to hold conversations via text. A few sweet messages throughout the day are fine, otherwise keep it short. 

 ~Ty

Jaye is not available because today is her BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! Happy Birthday, Jaye!!!!!!!!!!

Photo courtesy of http://www.lawyersandsettlements.com

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Is That All You Got?

Posted by itiwtt on September 25, 2007

                                           Nice Package 

Where are all the hot, sexy service men that we see on TV? You know, the construction guys wearing the cut-off t-shirts with their muscles bulging out. Or the delivery man who knows how to wear the hell out of those shorts. Where are they and why don’t they come to my job? Here’s the run-down of daily eye candy, or shall I say lack of, that I get every day:

  • UPS Man~ Morning shift: Chunky, black man who’s always on the phone with his wife/baby momma/girlfriend. Not too bad looking, but once again chunky and baby momma. Afternoon shift: Short, Mexican man who always asks if I’m ready for the weekend. That’s not a problem on Thursday or Friday, but why would you ask somebody that on Tuesday. I’m thinking, “Damn, do you hate your job that much? The weekend was just two days ago!”  Eye candy status: 0 (for both)
  • FedEx Man~ Cool, white man who always runs in sweating (even when it’s cold) The sooner he finishes his route, the sooner he can go back home. Good for conversation, but not so much for my mid-day fantasies.   Eye-candy status: 3
  • DHL Man~Nice-looking, black man but all his looks go down the drain once he starts talking. First day on the job I spoke with him and thought I had gone back in time. Apparently the guy moved from the depths of Mississippi to Texas for a better opportunity. He’s never been on a plane, and he’s never really been anywhere outside of Mississippi. I’m thinking this guy is a victim of the infamous group of southern blacks that are supposedly still trapped in slavery. I mean, he’s tall, strong, not well traveled, and the best job he could find was lifting boxes. What do you think?                Eye-candy status: 8 with a 5 point deduction, therefore we have, 3
  • Local Courier~I’m not sure why I even included him. This guy is short, old, and looks like he could easily be cast as Hobbit #3 for the next version of Lord of the Rings.    Eye-candy status: -2

This is what I have to look at all day. How is this mess supposed to help me?

~Ty

“Amen! Yes, sir! Can I get an ‘Amen’? Ha! Ha! I don’t know you what you come to do, but I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I come to praise his name! Lord, Lord!” ~ Reverend Brown 

Ty,

What the hell are you talking about ?

Jaye~

Ty,

I appreciate the fact that you have taken the time to rate your local delivery men.  Seems like all of our delivery men are fat and ashy.  I hate all uniforms that consist of shorts (UPS, Mailman, Police, etc) none of them are flattering.  They probably get excited when it gets hot, kind of like Jeans Day on Friday for corporate America.  “Man it’s almost June, I get to wear my shorts!”

~MissTrina

Photos courtesy of http://www.onestopcool.com

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Labor Day the Tenderoni Way Part 2

Posted by itiwtt on September 10, 2007

The Glamorous Life

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies. Where do I start. Let me first say that I have the two bestest, best friends in the entire world. We made the Ghost Bar not only what is was, but what it aspires to be. Thanks for making my BDAY/Labor Day fab. Movin’ along.

Hopefully our readers have read the previous blog. If not, click. See, I made it easy for you jerks who have a life and don’t read this rambling non-sense everyday (but you should because you know you don’t have sh** to do at work but surf the net anyway). Now that you’re caught up, let’s move on for real.

As previously mentioned by CK (shim from the previous blog), we were looking fabulous upon arrival. So you know we put on the glam for the Ghost Bar. Don’t ask me how much the cover is, what time you have to be in line, or how long the lines usually are. Why you say? Because we were VIP BABY–even in the ladies room. If there was a meeting in the ladies room that night, I don’t know nothing about it. We went in the restroom, pass the line, in the stall, and out with no dissension from the attendants. Matter of fact, they were the ones who made all the VIP Bathroom Magic happen. Sidenote: Makes me giggle a little when I think that my bladder had status.

To extend the use of our newfound status, we took full advantage of the reserved seats and tried to soak up the atmosphere. After about 5 minutes of soaking, we actually became THE atmosphere. We went from sitting alone to being maraudered by tons of adoring fans, and somehow the DJ must have secretly known that there was a quirky, black girl (me) in the club who had a passion for 80’s pop (Michael, Prince, Madonna, Billy Ocean…ha!). With this information, he took it in mind to play “Lucky Star” by Madonna. Didn’t take long for me to become the black Madonna with a whole crew of drunk, white girls as my back-up dancers.  SIDENOTE: If you’re new to the celebrity game (like us), you should know that VIP=people want to be around you, hang out with you, buy you drinks, and tell you how pretty you look just so they can say that they know you (whoever YOU is) while taking advantage of your celebrity status. We quickly caught on to the VIP madness (free drinks, reserved seats, adoring fans), and headed outside.

Outside is where all the magic happened. Now before I let the magic unfold, I want you to know that we (Tenderonies) realize that you may have caught on to our slight infatuation with drag queens and midgets. Why the infatuation? Because drag queens and midgets NEVER LET US DOWN!!!

With that being said, I want you to close your eyes and imagine the chocolatiest (Wesley Snipes-ish), skinniest (Chris Rock circa 1992), most fabulous drag queen with long, flowing lashes, wearing a bottle-cap wife beater (yes, bottle caps), and boot-cut, leather pants trimmed in fringe. Too much to handle? Well it was for me too. Miss Tony (see picture) sat outside, drink in hand, poised, and waiting to take your man. Think he she won’t try? SH**********T!!! After our encounter with Miss Tony, we stumbled upon my favorite kind of gay: young and fresh out of the closet gay. This was Marcus who was overflowing with zestiness. He took it upon himself to stop Jaye in her tracks and exclaim (loudly and for all the Ghost Bar patrons to hear) how FIIIEEEERCE she was. I bet he’s at home right now practicing Jaye’s sache’. You better work it, girl!

The pivotal (and final) Ghost Bar event almost caused us to completely lose our composure. As I stood at the bar, pissed because being VIP was becoming an utter bore, I saw a bit of familiar fineness out the corner of my eye. “Who is that!” Sqint, squint…thinking, thinking…BUG EYES, BUG EYES. Lo and behold, #88 of the Dallas Cowboys, The Playmaker, Michael Irvin. Slight interuption: If after the lengthy introduction you still have no idea who I’m talking about, please refrain from reading this blog. In Dallas Michael Irvin=Diddy (not really, but kinda…well at least in the 90’s). So we’re all trying to keep it cool. Then we decide to use our VIP status to get to Mike. I thought waiting to talk to Mike was going to be hell, because some skanky, gold-digging, white girl fan walks up to Mike’s area and asks Miss Trina, “What’s his last name?” If the holy spirit wasn’t in us (drinks included), I think we would’ve cussed her ass out.

So that basically wraps up our Labor Day. Oh yeah! We did indulge in an “after-party” invite to Mr. B’s room (VIP manager) which consisted of champagne, a millionaire who knew my Uncle Cecil, me trying on the waitress outfit (don’t remember that, but there are pictures), and Mr. B’s daddy who strolled in wearing cowboys boots, a Hawaiin shirt, and glitter from the strippers. The end.

~Ty

“Larry Flynt! Hugh Hefner! They can take the picture, but you can’t make it! Only God above, the Hugh Hefner on high, can make it for ya!” ~ Rev. Brown 

Ty,

The people really did think we were somebody!  They thought Jaye was a top model, we just got back from a show in Milan, Ty was her stylist, and I was her publicist/assistant.  Hey, it worked because we didn’t pay for a thing all night.  Even Miss Tony couldn’t see thru our charade.  And speaking of the drunk girl and #88, I did reply to her that his last name was Johnson.  I was praying she would say “Hey Michael Johnson” LOL.  My highlight was Mike holding a conversation with me while holding my hand for approx 2 minutes straight.  I was screaming on the inside, yet keeping the Fabulous on the outside.  The moral of the story is if you’re rich, even if people just THINK you’re rich you’ll be everyone’s cup of tea! 

~MissTrina

I will refrain from letting everyone know that shaving my head was the best thing EVER. Now as far as the bathroom attendent, she told me later on in the evening that I was nice to her and Mr. B mentioned it to me as well. The drag queen Tony was the best. I do wish that we would have seen a midget, and that my friends would have topped the night. But oh well, hell. We indeed had enough to discuss. I know that I am fabulous, and I ain’t got no damn money, but I look like I do…and thats all that matters to the people in the “BIG D”.

OH YEAH to the matters of more fabulousness, I told one of the bouncers that I needed to go to my room and get some cash for tips. He reaches into his pocket and hands me two “crispy twenties” and replies Mr. B will take care of that for you. WHAT! Now if that does’nt give you the wow factor, then I don’t know what will. DRINKS DRINKS DRINKS and more DRINKS!!! I can’t even tell you how many we had, although I can say is that Sun morning Ty (because it was my bday damnit!!!…ty!) was passed out in the rented Volvo. 

~Jaye

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Labor Day the Tenderoni Way Part 1

Posted by itiwtt on September 7, 2007

dfw_vict-exter-2.jpg 

I must say that we three had a very eventful Labor Day weekend, so it will be broken down into parts.  We all decided months ago that we needed a break from our day-to-day hustles.  What could be more relaxing than a spa day and a night at a fancy hotel??  Unfortunately the weekend was anything but relaxing…me and my house are still trying to recover!!

Our first stop was a spa in Dallas.  As usual Ty and I were running late because I left my shoes and had to turn around, and as usual Jaye was cussing.  The spa had a nice little ethnic motif and the glasses of wine didn’t hurt either.  Erykah Badu’s greatest hits played for 16 hours, and most of our conversation was about the guy working on our feet and whether or not he was gay.  He spoke in soft whispers, and none of us knew what the hell he was saying.  “Girl what did he just say?” In the end, the experience was just okay–we were not impressed.

Onward to the fabulous W Hotel!  Driving up in a rented Volvo and my little dusty Acura (guess i should have washed it–maybe it would have looked a little more fancy) we looked like the night shift maids driving up.  Porsches, BMWs, Benz’s, Bentley’s and a Lamborghini parked on the sidewalk.  A vintage Rolls Royce with a driver and an unknown Black man chillin’ in the backseat drove up to valet behind us. FASCINATING! Who the hell are these people with all this money??? Once we walked in, we had to put on our “FABULOUS” — no eye contact, I know where I’m going, I’m important, and I’m not impressed.  It must have worked because the bellhop C.K. told us that we were working it and we must be from New York or Hollywood.  We just giggled and then proceeded to argue over whether she was a man or woman.

We put our bags in the room and decided to go back downstairs to get something to eat.  When we got on the elevator, we noticed that Jaye and the white lady on the elevator had on the same dress.  A little cotton halter dress that is currently priced at around $57.  Jaye thought she was looking cute until BOOF in her face.  This lady was wearing hers as a mere swimsuit cover.  After we helped Jaye pick her face up off the floor we went to the House of Blues for lunch. 

Back at the room we started to get dressed for our big night at the Ghost Bar.  The whole room was dimly lit, which makes it hard to see those minor details.  Why not turn on a lamp?  The lamp won’t come on!  Is it plugged in?  Yes.  You mean to tell me we spent all this money and the damn light’s not working.  Jaye calls downstairs immediately and 5 minutes later a maintenance man was at the door.  We tell him the lamp isn’t working and he just looks at us and flips the switch. Voila!!!  Mind you the lamp is by the window and the switch is at the front door in the bathroom, so we’re not idiots, but don’t tell nobody we couldn’t figure that out! Meanwhile, another attendant is at the door delivering my stillettos I left in the car (yes the same shoes I left at the house that made us late for the spa). Now that’s what I call service!! “Umm yes, this is room 1205. I left my shoes in my backseat.  Could you please fetch them for me?” So, this must be how the rich and famous feel on the daily.  And then as I’m curling my hair, the guy peeks through the door and exclaims, “Something is on fire!”  Ummm yeah that’s my hair smoking. LOL!  The maintenance man just shook his head, and we realized that the Hispanic guy just had his first lesson in Black hair care. 

This is only the beginning!  You can only imagine what the rest of the weekend was like.  I’ll let someone else tell the rest.

“Lisa, your sheep herder makes Darryl look like a welfare case!”

 ~MissTrina

Trina,

Where do I begin? First of all, I’m not backing down–CK was/is a MAN. I heard a slight lisp and witnessed a perm with nappy side-burns. These are all clues that lead to HIM being a gay man. For the record, CK was very nice and the W should be glad to have him. He thought the Funky Town Tenderonies (me, Trina, Jaye) were fab. Hopefully part two of our Labor Day tale will divulge why and when the pain in my legs and feet started. Did we participate in a tootsie roll contest that I dont’ remember?

~Ty

Ok Ty,  I forgot to tell you cuz you were passed out in the rented Volvo Sunday morning. YES, CK was and is a man!!! I had to go back inside to get you a cup of java, ran into CK, and noticed that in the sun, the uniform showed that he was in fact a man. He could have fooled me! But i still think the guy who did the foot massages was for sure “a gay”. Now as far as my dress, my face is still broken but I did purchase the dress in L.A. Here in NM, that dress is the shit but apparently not in the “Big D”. I did attend a pool party on Monday wearing the dress over my kini, and I was over-dressed.

Okay, now as for the check-in, I arrived in Dallas a tad early so I proceeded to an early check-in @ the “W” and what an experiece that was.

  1.  I was escorted by one of the VIP GMs with a bellman as well.
  2. My rented Volvo was parked in the front for my immediate use.
  3. I’m under the impression that I’m somebody at this point. 

Hold tight there is much more of this day to come >>>>>>>>>

~Jaye

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